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  • Dami Afam Ade-Odiachi

Hogwarts and Unicorns - The flight back to Lagos



As you may or may not know, I’ve made the whole or partial move back to Nigeria. Sigh. The implications of this weigh heavily upon my soul, for I know I have consigned myself to a challenging society indeed. You need not worry about me, for I Afam, am not only a lad, but a trooper. I will overcome.


The flight back was particularly stressful because Mama Afam accompanied Gbaddy and I home this time around.  Mama Afam does not like the blog very much. She believes that it’s just a means for me to escape reality. She wouldn’t be wrong. However I fail to see the problem with this, reality sucks, just today I’ve avoided more than 30 accidents with my sheer wit and lightning quick reflexes. Driving in Lagos is like Russian roulette, may the odds be ever be in your favour. I digress, Mama Afam is adamant that I get a life and a girlfriend, in whichever order. I refuse. If I, a sworn bachelor discard my bachelor status, then what hope would there be for those like me? We bachelors must stand firm in the face of adversity.


Furthermore, the universe chose this opportunity to shit on my face!


How?


I was seated at the back of economy, in the middle of two massively overweight individuals. They were spilling out of their seats. I keep praying to be seated next to a beautiful interesting young mademoiselle but my prayers have not yet been answered. I didn’t mind this too much at the time because I was as pissed as a tit. Yes, I was stupidly drunk.


What time was it?


It was not yet 11 in the morning. This is how I do. I’ve done it so many times it seems like a ritual. On the morning of your journey you must do the following:

  • Take four shots of your poison of choice (Mine’s Vodka. The poison has to be reasonably strong. No, Malibu does not count).

  • Brush your teeth immediately afterwards, eau de minibar is not very attractive.

This should get you very smiley and agreeable. Good things happen to smiley people.

  • After you’ve checked in and gone through security head for the nearest bar.

  • Once there order two filthy bloody Marys and nurse them until your flight is called.

  • Once you’re on board order two mini bottles of Smirnoff and sprite.

The sprite is for semantics, you’ll drink it after you’ve downed your shots like a millennial.

  • Sneak to the bathroom and brush your teeth.

  • Head back to your seat.

  • Set your Alarm for 45 minutes before your plane lands (You’ll need time to freshen up).

  • Lie back and think of England

The ritual usually ensures that I do not open my eyes until my alarm goes off, but I was not as fortunate this time. In the middle of my dream- this one was quite the epic. I was chasing a damsel in distress all around Hogwarts. I remember that she had the prettiest ankles... While we were skipping gayly in the meadow by the whomping willow, I felt an odd sensation. It was warm, and sweaty. I was cramped and squashed, these feelings were enough to rouse me from my drunken slumber.


Upon awakening, I realized that the borderline obese man had lifted the arm rest. His flesh was upon my flesh without my consent. I stared at him for a good five minutes. I was astounded, we would need to talk about our boundaries. This was the most disappointing part of the entire trip because my obese friend woke me up just in time to receive this:





British Airways, what is it? How did it find its way to me? Do I look like the sort of guy that eats whatever it is you've placed in front of me? Do you care that the only thing I ate for 6 hours was a bar of chocolate?


Before my next nap, I looked to my left and right to observe what my fat friends were doing. The one on the left was suckling on the bottle of red wine, and the one on the right was sipping on some white. I felt very sorry for myself indeed, for I knew that in a couple of hours I would be assaulted by bad wine breath. With these sombre thoughts I leaned back and went to the land of rainbows and unicorns.

______________________________


I wrote this in 2013, I think. I had just moved back to Nigeria, after 6 years in the United Kingdom. I was 23. You can hear the youth in my words.


Earlier today, I saw a video on WhatsApp that said British Airways would soon be dismissing all its staff and closing down its operations. The video isn’t true as far as I know. British Airways haven’t spoken about the veracity of the video, but they have said that they are looking forward to welcoming customers back after Covid-19 loosens its grip on international and in some cases domestic travel.


Even though, I know that the video that claimed the 75 year old airline was going to close is false, I got a little bit nostalgic. That’s why I pulled this piece from my archive.


We will travel again, soon, and with social distancing, I don’t think I’ll ever have to live through an experience like the one described in this article again. That’s a silver lining in the gloomy cloud we’re living through.

Also, Mama Afam loves the blog now.


Happy Days,

Afam.


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